The Times - Serving Waitsburg, Dayton and the Touchet Valley

My household is extremely lucky in that it hasn’t felt much of an economic impact from this whole mess. My mom is teleworking overtime, my brother’s job at a ski shop wasn’t going to be netting him very many hours in April under the best of circumstances, and I’m still an unemployed bum. But I know that many workers—indeed, industries—haven’t been as fortunate.

To my readers who have taken an economic hit from COVID-19, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if there’s anything I can do for you.

On the off chance that my readership includes any titans of industry, allow me to do my bit to boost your turnover—and, in turn, the number of people on your payroll.

See, I bet you bigwigs have been green with envy at the way certain products have been flying off the shelves as of late. You may well be wondering what you can do to get your slice of all that panic spending. Wonder no more, my friends. With a quick bit of rebranding, financial success can be yours even in the midst of the present economic crisis. Some suggestions follow:

Q-Tips: “Hygienic Face Scratchers”

Soap: “Stingless Hand Sanitizer–Just Add Water!”

Socks: “Foot Gloves”

Skis: “Foot-Mounted Social Distancing Rulers.” (Now my brother can’t say I never did anything for him.)

Corona beer: If you ever want to sell a single bottle of anything ever again, a name change is in order. A donut shop in Illinois has apparently had tremendous success selling donuts printed with edible images of Dr. Anthony Fauci. To my knowledge, Dr. Deborah Birx is still up for grabs. You might even be able to work out an endorsement deal.

Law School: “It’s Something To Do”

Medical (or Nursing) School: “Guaranteed Steady Work and Permission to Leave the House”

Domestic Geese: “Quarantine Enforcement Birds (For Use In Front Yards)”

Formalwear, party supplies, luggage, timeshares, shoes, etc.: Your best approach is two-pronged. First, capitalize on a hopeful message that this crisis will soon pass, and that when it does, we ought to be prepared to leap headfirst into normal life. Second, institute fire-sale pricing until further notice.

Sunglasses: “French-Cut Face Shields”

Perfume (good): “Smell Less Like Bleach!”

Perfume (bad): “Instant Social Distancing Solution”

Lotion: “Look, Do You Still Want To Have Hands After This Whole Thing Is Over?”

The yarn industry, oddly enough, doesn’t seem to need my help, as all the major craft stores have trouble keeping it in stock. Sheep farmers, this is your opportunity to cut out the middleman and go directly to the people. Be sure to emphasize that your product also mows lawns.

Home Décor: Heck, you don’t even have to rebrand. Just advertise more aggressively.