The Times - Serving Waitsburg, Dayton and the Touchet Valley

Don't do crimes!

At the time of this writing, I've finished one three-hour nightmare of a final and have three more such finals in my future. By the time you read this, I'll be done with three and have one left to finish. (And if anybody needs me for anything over the weekend, ask someone else. I'll be asleep.)

Seeing as it's getting so close to crunch time, I figured this week's unsolicited advice would do double-duty as a review session. That's right, folks: it's time for some unsolicited legal advice. (Disclaimer: I'm still pretty new at this. Please be patient.) (Additional disclaimer; especially for my friends in the legal profession: this is satire. I am joking. Take a deep breath and keep reading and please don't sue me.)

The first rule of suing people is not to do it if you don't have to. Seriously. It's expensive, stressful, and time-consuming, much like law school. Unlike law school, however, you'll alienate people and are unlikely to come out ahead financially and -actually, strike that. Suing people is exactly like going to law school.

Don't do crimes. Any of them. Not unless you're trying to avert a worse crime. Even then you should probably still try to come up with a different plan.

The courthouses in the state are going to be closed for the next month-and-change. If you need to make a court appearance, it will likely have to be done via video. The consensus among judges I've spoken to is that getting out of bed and putting actual clothes on will help your case. (This means you too, lawyers.)

When talking to a judge, use the phrase "Your Honor" as much as possible. Definitely try to get it into the first sentence of every reply to a question and then a couple other times in the body of the question just for good measure. Also, wait for them to ask you to cut it out with the "Your Honor" at least twice before actually cutting it out. No matter how irritated they sound the first time, they're probably just being polite. Two times is a better indicator that you're actually getting on their nerves. If you really want to be safe, wait until they threaten to hold you in contempt of court.

Make friends with nerds. You may need their services as expert witnesses someday.

Be friendly and honest in general. This reduces your odds of getting sued and generally makes life more enjoyable for all concerned.

The law is more than a big book of thou-shalt-nots. However, the big book of thou-shalt-nots is still important and is available for free on the internet. Washington's Big Book is called the RCW; the national one is the United States Code. A simple Google search should show you what you need to find.

Lawyers have access to a special lawyer internet that lets them look at all kinds of judicial decisions and cases. Those interested in their hometown's seedy history or the skeletons in their alma mater's closet should be warned not to go looking for what they don't want to find. Those who just want to enjoy a bit of legal drama and don't particularly care about the source can find judicial decisions and argument transcripts on the website of nearly any high court in the country. (Sometimes they even have the case dockets, which is where the really juicy stuff hides.)

Anyway, I should probably get going on my actual studying. See you later!