The Times - Serving Waitsburg, Dayton and the Touchet Valley

SYSSS.

It's the sound of air coming out of a bike tire that got a little too chummy with puncture vine. It's also the abbreviation for Senior Year Scholastic Straddling Syndrome.

This condition, which experts (all of whom, incidentally, are named Emma Philbrook) fear often goes un-or-misdiagnosed, occurs when high-school seniors, besides being loaded down with regular coursework, are forced to simultaneously begin the legwork of applying to and paying for college. This results in an odd dissociative state during which the realities of high school life are often completely forgotten.

It is feared that this may be an epidemic of massive proportions, although only one afflicted person has been located. Based on one expert's (read: my) study of that victim (read: me), symptoms appear to be as follows: - Subject's procrastination-prone younger sibling(s) have already purchased their Homecoming attire and secured dates and transportation by the time subject's Homecoming committee has started meeting. - Subject has memorized the entire "by the numbers" section of their choice college's recruitment brochure but needs to be reminded at least three times concerning project due dates before those numbers will stick. - Subject, normally placid, has begun writing "scream-o" lyrics concerning the bias inherent in standardized test score-based scholarship competitions. - Subject, while improving at those tricky story problems in math assignments, simply writes the infinity symbol on any such questions pertaining to higher education costs. - Subject has begun responding to all questions concerning college with

"AAAAAUUGH! EEEEEEEE! THE

LIIIIIIIIGHT! IT BLIIIIIINDS! TAKE

ARMS, AND BY OPPOSING, JULIET

IS THE SUN! PURPLE HEDGEHOG

RABIES! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

On second thought, maybe it's just me.

So what are these victims (okay, nix the plural on that) to do? The experts advise the following: - Chocolate. It contains chemical compounds that simulate neurotransmitters associated with the - oh, just take my word for it. Chocolate. - Laws opposing word limits on college admissions essays. They discriminate arbitrarily against those whose life stories are longer than 650 words. - Puppy kisses. Because a puppy doesn't care about your SAT score or your GPA or even - heaven forbid - the dangling modifier in that scholarship application. It puts things in perspective. - Rereading the chapter books you liked in elementary school. It's mindless and entertaining - the complete opposite of admissions paperwork. - Earlier bedtimes or extra sleep in the morning, although the latter is generally more popular with the most-afflicted age group. - Bike rides. Avoid puncture vine.