The Times - Serving Waitsburg, Dayton and the Touchet Valley

Do you remember those commercials (I think they were for Charter) that listed an implausible sequence of events resulting from having ordinary cable TV? (Example: “When you have expensive cable bills, you feel helpless. When you feel helpless, you want to do something about it. When you want to do something about it, you take karate. When you take karate, you want to use it. When you want to use it, you become the Fist of Justice. When you become the Fist of Justice, you crash through a glass roof into a dinner party. Don’t crash through a glass roof into a dinner party. Ditch your cable.”)

Well, I’ve always wanted to write one of those on my own, albeit longer and not relating to cable TV:

When you set off leftover fireworks on the Fifth of July, you scare the neighbor’s cats. (Note: For fireworks purposes, “neighbor” includes anyone within a two-mile radius of the launch site.)

When you scare the neighbor’s cats, the neighbor’s cats want to sleep inside.

When the neighbor’s cats want to sleep inside, they wake the neighbor up at three in the morning to go back outside.

When the neighbor gets woken up at three in the morning to let the cats outside, she stubs her toe shuffling down the hall in the dark.

When she stubs her toe shuffling down the hall in the dark, she starts yelling.

When she starts yelling, everybody else in the house wakes up.

When everybody else in the house wakes up, whoever stubbed her toe is in deep doo-doo.

When whoever stubbed her toe is in deep doo-doo, she blames the cats.

When she blames the cats, she stashes all the little catnip-stuffed mice in her sock drawer.

When she stashes all the little catnip-stuffed mice in her sock drawer, her socks start to smell like catnip.

When her socks start to smell like catnip, the cats start attacking her feet.

When the cats start attacking her feet, all of her shoes are destroyed.

When all of her shoes are destroyed, she has to wear her brother’s Nike slide-ons.

When she has to wear her brother’s Nike slide-ons, all the boys in the neighborhood think it’s hilarious.

When all the boys in the neighborhood think it’s hilarious, someone posts a picture on the internet.

When someone posts a picture on the internet, it goes viral.

When it goes viral, she becomes a minor celebrity.

When she becomes a minor celebrity, paparazzi follow her everywhere.

When paparazzi follow her everywhere, she’s scared to leave the house.

When she’s scared to leave the house, she loses sleep.

When she loses sleep, her brain doesn’t work as well.

When her brain doesn’t work as well, she forgets her column deadline.

When she forgets her column deadline, she writes junk content like this.

Don’t let her write junk content like this. Go easy on the post-4th fireworks.