Some wannabe philosopher on the internet – the quarantine seems to be bringing them out of the woodwork in droves – recently commented that all this isolation is forcing people to face their true selves and some folks aren’t handling the introduction very well.

I’d beg to differ. In the nearly three weeks I’ve spent hunkered down, the only thing I’ve learned about myself is that my bangs don’t fluff up overnight if I brush them out before bed. Granted, I was a fairly solitary person before the quarantine orders hit and probably already know as much about myself as I’m going to figure out on my...